I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
i now understand why vodka
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
