I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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