This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
