Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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