His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
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