i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
