Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
