so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
