Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
