Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
