I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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