Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
