last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
