im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
