I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
