i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize