I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
