since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize