The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
