is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
