My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
