Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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