She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize