so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
