the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Randomize
