On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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