I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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