went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
