hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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