What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
