Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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