dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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