my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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