My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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