Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
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