Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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