You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
