fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
