I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
your like the ambassador to my penis.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
