remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
