I can text with my tongue
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
