I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I think I am morally bankrupt
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
