highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
