Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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