I just pynch a tree in the face
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
