That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
