I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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