This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
