oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
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