And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize