we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
