i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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