Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
