there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Congratulations! We have a period
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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