I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
