There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
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