My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
