I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
