I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
