is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
porn star boner night. come get it.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
