Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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