After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
